Friday Funnies

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by jackhammer91406, Aug 27, 2010.

  1. jackhammer91406

    jackhammer91406 Rest In Peace

    With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
    If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
    You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.

    Here are few for today:

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


    And then....

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

    The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


    Finally........

    What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
    Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

     
  2. jackhammer91406

    jackhammer91406 Rest In Peace

  3. seeker630

    seeker630 Marquess

    Thanks for the chuckles! :)
     
  4. Sooner405

    Sooner405 Master

    Funny Stuff Jackhammer. Thanks for the laughs.
     
  5. MsGuy

    MsGuy Earl

    A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. Each summer the lawyer would invite a different escort friend to spend a week or two.

    On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian escort to stay with him. The friend, eager to visit America, agreed.

    Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch gathering blueberries and raspberries, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.
    The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

    The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

    Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in that one," cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his escort's family danced in his head.

    He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

    "What did you do that for?" exclaimed the lawyer. "I said he was in the other one!"

    "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
     
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  6. jackhammer91406

    jackhammer91406 Rest In Peace

    Cartoons and other stuff

    The items below are courtesy of my good friend in Ohio. The first one is from a cartoon. Since that is a visual medium, I ask everyone to bend a bit as I try to describe a cartoon that made me laugh out loud...
    Apologies if I fail....

    Imagine a picture of an A.A. type meeting for dogs. There are dogs seated all around a lectern waiting expectantly for the bull dog at the microphone to share...
    The bull dogs says.
    MY NAME IS REX AND IT'S BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE I HAVE LICKED MY BALLS....


    Not even a giggle huh?
    OK... let's try this one. I was tempted to put this in the thread about gays on ships...but, that's a story for another time...You'll get it when the story is over..I hope....


    Manure... An interesting fact

    In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

    It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

    Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

    After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


    Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

    You probably did not know the true history of this word.

    Neither did I.

    I had always thought it was a golf term.

     
    s1conrad likes this.
  7. josephga

    josephga Earl

    I love this type of stuff so i can't resist.


    One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

    He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the door of the next room.

    In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said .. . . . .



    "OK, Monica, you're free too go
     
    latbear4blk likes this.
  8. LOL!
    Good one, Joe.
     
  9. Laugh or Groan?

    1. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    2. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    4. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    5. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

    6. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    8. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    9. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    10. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2010
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  10. instudiocity

    instudiocity Marquess

    STOP IT! You're PUNishing ME!
     
  11. deej

    deej Administrator

    When puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

    This public service announcement brought to you by the National ROFL Association
     
  12. Guy Fawkes

    Guy Fawkes Administrator Staff Member

    It's the Law; Use a Pun, Go to Jail!
     
  13. josephga

    josephga Earl

    If you are
    >30, or older,
    >you might think this is hilarious!


    >When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes
    >about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five
    >miles to school every morning.... Uphill...
    >Barefoot... BOTH ways.
    >yadda, yadda, yadda
    >
    >And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell
    >I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!


    >But now that I'm over the ripe old age of 42, I can't help but look around
    >and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared
    >to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
    >And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got
    >it!
    >
    >1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
    >know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the
    >card catalog!!
    >
    >2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with
    >a pen! Then you
    >had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would
    >take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
    >
    >3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter
    >of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere
    >was safe!
    >
    >4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music,
    >you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
    >
    >5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would
    >usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players!
    > We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject"
    >it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause,
    >hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
    >
    >6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
    >and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
    >
    >7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you
    >just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch
    >with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!
    > Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then
    >there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how
    >annoying you are.
    >
    >8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no
    >idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie,
    >your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had
    >to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
    >
    >9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution
    >3-D graphics! We had the
    >Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen
    >guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And
    >there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And
    >you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster
    >and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
     
  14. jackhammer91406

    jackhammer91406 Rest In Peace

    Late addition

    I was just released from the Spa (hospital) after another 2 weeks. Wanted to share a few things that have been sent my way in the last few weeks to cheer me up. Hope they do the same for you.

    If you are old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares, you may get a kick out of these. They were sent to me by my good friend in OHIO (oh no).




    Hollywood Squares:

    These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
    Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

    WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!
     
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  15. leigh.bess.toad

    leigh.bess.toad Retired

    Jackhammer -- Hope you are doing well. thanks for the lift. "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily???" The idea of seeing Hell's Angels riding down the road in chiffon is such a great mental picture.

    Thanks for the laughs.
     
  16. deej

    deej Administrator

    Welcome home, pimp daddy. Just for you.....

     
  17. deej

    deej Administrator

    And why stop at one parrot joke?

    [SIZE=+3]L[/SIZE]ate one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again."Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

    [​IMG][SIZE=+3]T[/SIZE]he burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?""Clarence," said the bird."That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
     
  18. jackhammer91406

    jackhammer91406 Rest In Peace

    This week

    Some additions this week sent in by friends.

    First a post on you tube for some AXE commercials. check it out.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncgDxWYpZbc&NR=1

    Next is from my friend in the North West.

    An Aggie went in to see his advisor, who said, "I want you to take history, math, and logic."

    "What's logic?" asked the Aggie.

    "Well," said the professor, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a Weed-eater?"

    "Why, yes, I do," replied the Aggie. "OK," continued the professor, "logic tells me that you have a yard!"

    "Amazing," gushed the young rube.

    "And," continued the professor, "since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house."

    "I do! I do!" exclaimed the boy.

    "And," continued the professor, "if you have a house, you probably have a wife. And, since you have a wife, I conclude that you are a heterosexual."

    "Gaaaa-lee!" said the Aggie. "That logic is sump'n else!"

    He goes outside, and his friend, Buck, asks him what classes he's going to take.

    "I'm gonna take history, math, and logic." "

    What's logic?" asks Buck. "OK," says the Aggie, "I'll give you an example: Do you own a weed-eater?"

    "Uh, no," relies Buck.

    The Aggie pauses a bit and says, "You're QUEER, ain'tcha".
     
  19. eeyore

    eeyore Master

    Some great funnies! Thanks everyone for sharing.
     
  20. Tygerscent

    Tygerscent Viscount

    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

    "Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

    "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

    "What about that eye patch?"

    "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

    "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

    "It was my first day with the hook."

    Joke "Number 2": What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

    Beethoven's First Movement.

    Joke three:
    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
    Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married O. Schitt, the owner of
    Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
    Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.
    Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
    Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt.
    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
    The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
    Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

    Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
    - U don't know Jack Schitt
    - Yes i do, he's Awe and O. Schitt's son

    Tyger!
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