Friday Funnies

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by jackhammer91406, Aug 27, 2010.

  1. rvwnsd

    rvwnsd Teller of "Like It Is"

  2. whipped guy

    whipped guy Regent

    Nuns always travel in pairs. One night two sisters get lost and end up in a bad area of town. Two guys confront them and begin to rape them.

    The first nun looks up to God and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."

    The second nun looks up and exclaims, "This one does!"

    (Gotta cool it now, I'm unleashing all my pent up frustrations from 8 years of parochial school! )
    Oliver, TruHart1, latbear4blk and 5 others like this.
  3. AdamSmith

    AdamSmith Count de Crisco

    whipped guy likes this.
  4. Better late than never: a fun holiday dish: phallic banana-based salad with creamy white pineapple sauce. Yum!
    rvwnsd and AdamSmith like this.
  5. AdamSmith

    AdamSmith Count de Crisco

    A True Story...

    Staid, straightlaced Wallace Stevens once walked into a meeting of the Bollingen Poetry Prize committee, of which he was a member that year, and stunned his colleagues by guffawing out:

    "You know why they're called nuns? Because they ain't ever had none, and they ain't ever going to get none!"

    MassageGuy, TruHart1, deej and 2 others like this.
  6. How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
  7. TruHart1

    TruHart1 Mister Congeniality of the Realm

    Wait a minute! Except for the fact that he's on a chair and not on the bed, isn't this the "hacker" the Donald spoke of so eloquently?

    Just sayin' :rolleyes:o_O;)

    TruHart1 :cool:
  8. MassageGuy

    MassageGuy Lord

  9. mike carey

    mike carey Duke

    Australian Antenna of the Year (source):

    And (unrelated), OMG, it's finally happened!
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2017
    honcho, Zman and AdamSmith like this.
  10. Zman

    Zman Viscount


    Gotta wiggle! [​IMG]
  11. bigvalboy

    bigvalboy Regent

  12. Truereview

    Truereview Peer

    Well, my three-week beach vacation is almost over...
    lots of sun, lounging around, hot men, and swimming
    ...and here is what I learned...
  13. Truereview

    Truereview Peer

  14. Truereview

    Truereview Peer

    I do plan to keep my new year's resolutions...
    All modeled after my dogs...
    I can proudly state that I will embrace 5, 9, & 11 heartily...
    TruHart1, honcho, Zman and 3 others like this.
  15. rvwnsd

    rvwnsd Teller of "Like It Is"

  16. rvwnsd

    rvwnsd Teller of "Like It Is"

  17. rvwnsd

    rvwnsd Teller of "Like It Is"

  18. Zman

    Zman Viscount

  19. beachboy

    beachboy Count

    You really should get a man in to take care of # 9! Oh you do? Why am I not surprised?!
    Truereview likes this.